On the longest night of the year holiday festivities are in full effect, there is a communal Christmas party hangover lurking over the city until we get our short work week when we can rest and indulge with those we love. I’ve worked, I’ve shopped, and I’ve wrapped everything; it’s the 21^st of December and I should feel accomplished, but instead I’m 5 days single and I feel like shit.

I really don’t want to throw a pity party, but breakups can be especially draining with this timing. The defeat of a first Tindr romance has got me feeling some kind of Solstice sadness, with 4 days to go before the birthing of Jesus I feel like I’ve let down my now-ex, my friends, and me.  It feels more apparent that the relationship I had with this boy has been destined to the end of the road because we couldn’t even sustain it through the holidays. How can I not be disappointed when I thought I was going to have a drunken slow dance with my man, a glass of red wine in hand and being cute baes even though he hates Christmas?

The feelings towards him are all good (I think they’re mutual), and to spare you all from a really long story going in circles, I’ll just say that our lives were not compatible enough at the moment and if it ends up working out between us in the future it will be on better and different circumstances, but who knows. All of the above reasons, however, have led me to discover an unfamiliar feeling: sexual withdrawal. Before this relationship I had been perpetually single, I had a boyfriend prior to this relationship for about half a year but then he moved to Hong Kong. I had always been doing me first. I never dated anyone serious in university, which is due to the fact that I never dated anyone serious in high school which is why I never cared. Primarily I hooked up without attachment, there were wine-fueled occasions where I would cry about boys not liking me but mostly I just did what I wanted with confidence, I was being satisfied. Having a boyfriend wasn’t really on my radar; I was just too busy juggling life. Also, having your dad primarily raising you in your teens definitely has a cop-dad-Bella Swan vibe if you get catch my drift, and I was all about being a strong female. I didn’t mean to cross references dads and my sexual withdrawal just there (awks!) but to continue about the sad revelation that I currently shut down from sex is a complicated one.

Did I possibly self combust from the girl power aura I once had when I started Tindr’ing last year? Did I get used to someone who could easily satisfy my physical and emotional needs? Last year I was living on my own in downtown Vancouver, working two polar-scheduled jobs and obviously wanted a cuddle buddy with benefits in between. That turned into my ex and I meeting for brunch and never looking back because we were so smitten. The last 11 months have been great, amazing, and the assurance that someone was going to pleasure you and hold you in your bed at the end of your bar shift was really uplifting. It made me feel whole and protected, the connections were so alive on so many levels, and the second that assurance disappeared, I felt empty. My bed felt empty, the shower felt empty, punching out at work at 2am felt empty. Even thinking about my sexual urges has fizzled. For the first time in my life, I don’t want anything to do with anyone who isn’t my friend.

Winter Solstice is a time to renew some boundaries, it has taught me is that nothing is permanent and you need to be content with yourself at all costs, because it’s what you’re left with. I have been stung by the Scorpio’s lusty tail once again, and I’ll want it again, but the wound can heal, and a Pisces can still swim any body of water.

 

 

photo cred: down-but-not-out.polyvore.com