I’m feeling really ashamed after I had a screaming match with not one, but two drunk dudes outside of the Cobalt’s 8 year anniversary last night. My poor friend had to deal with me foaming at the mouth giving it to a guy who I personally felt should have left the party long before it ended, but this was not the way of handling it. I’m feeling really shitty in my purple silk kimono as I write this, because I feel I have exposed some serious ugly truth to a girlfriend who has stood by me. I am so sorry for what I did girl and I hope you can forgive me, screaming full tilt outside of the bar for 15 minutes. I hate men right now but I don’t want to.

My emotions have clearly built up after I gave myself a week of letting my self-care slide, trying to connect with men on Bumble.

After a couple months of going out with friends every weekend, supporting each other’s art, hosted events, and my birthday come and gone, I felt like I was ready to give a dating app another shot. It feels reassuring when I click with a man. My romantic hopelessness reaches peak summits it has never seen before, and I feel I have something grandeur beyond this dimension to offer my love to. I do have this love inside of me, but I let it get twisted around in choppy, murky waters of men that are addicted to their jobs, property, money, and hooking up with women out of their league on Bumble. This dating app has proven to be a lazy way of people getting to know each other. Do things fit on the surface? Let’s test out the sex. Pretty quickly the charm has been lost and it’s nothing more than a seething hamster wheel of nude selfies that I should be sending to my girlfriends if anything.

As the New Moon in my sign takes form this month, I am healing all of my energy I had put on a shelf too accessible. It has been overwhelming as the moon is closely aligned with Chiron, the planet of the Wounded Healer. Everything I’ve reflected has been projected in the worst way possible, as Mars, Uranus, and the Moon create an intense triangle. Out of nowhere I had an outburst in front of a bar with one of my best friends, but immediately (with my bestie’s help) I started to feel the power of release and what I need to shift moving forward. It’s time to look at my own inner masculinity and how I treat people. Sacrifice is key if I am to find the love I’m after. It’s time to raise the bar, skim out the losers and let’s get to the funny part: the recap of who I hung out with off Bumble this week and who I likely won’t be seeing again. 2/5.

 

Clark Kent

Your Irish accent is alluring and you make me feel like I’m destined for a twin flame of your stature. Framed glasses mixed with your big arms is a recipe for my Superman fetish. You were my first date of the week and you were the best one. How did you make me squirt for an hour? Green light.

 

Taller Than Most

I appreciate your slow personality yet honest storytelling. I don’t really know anything about you except you’re an EMS, went to the Rugby 7’s the past weekend and partied really hard. Pretty ballsy for me to meet up with you and you still had a giant temporary neck tattoo from the sporting event, without baby oil or rubbing alcohol to take it off so you just went to brunch the next day with it on, drank all day, and then met me. You are 6″4, 6″5? You enjoyed my yoni egg as much as I did, but you weren’t fond of sleepovers or cuddling. Red light.

 

Just Painted

Your new purchased property along commercial drive is very chic. Your near immediate suggestion for DP and your dude friend to join in at a later moment was intriguing but also made me unsure, not one but two bros? You’re fun in the bedroom, but I need to draw the line somewhere. We talked music and you introduced me to Devin the Dude, I think I could manage to bike down the street again for a sesh. Green Light.

 

Yellowtail Shiraz

I was in your neighbourhood at an appointment, and decided to join you for some wine and a joint. Sounds really nice, you have a nice place and it was nice of you to invite me, but clearly you weren’t ready to invest as you unscrewed a bottle of BC’s worst grape juice. Your Belarus background is interesting, but our two year age gap really shows. It’s also kinda weird seeing my coworker match with you after the way I felt the date went. Save for the wine cellar. Red light.

Lil Xan

You were eager to hangout and snack on a charcuterie board after I finished work, on short notice as well, I appreciated your willingness but as soon as I saw you, I knew it would never work. I’m not really down for the derp, super 420 friendly but when you finally admit at the end of the date that you took Xanax before we met up because you hadn’t planned anything that evening and couldn’t turn down me down? Is it ok to drink beer on Xanax? I don’t know what was worse, you thinking a nose dive is how you eat a woman out, or you sharing your music taste with me. After both of those worse moments, I left your place faster than Lil Xan blowing up on Spotify. Red light.